Narrative Strategy: Embrace the Emergent
A more personal note
This weekend I completed an all day women’s self-defense course.
It was a day of dualities.
Sweat and shivers. Focus and disorientation. Comforts and triggers.
My mind and body moved between extremes, trying to find equilibrium. And in the midst of kicks to our instructor’s (well-protected) groin and swapping survival stories with the other women, something dislodged inside me. An effect more potent that sore muscles.
A new personal narrative emerged. One that I didn’t know I was missing.
Out with the Old, In with the New
It’s been 13 years since I was raped on campus. I’ve been a public survivor-activist, spending the early part of my career in social impact entertainment to share the stories of survivors of sexual violence, including my own. From filing a Title IX complaint to performing at the 2016 Oscars, it’s been…eventful.
I tried pursuing justice through the legal system, but that didn’t give me the healing I needed. Instead I found the right therapist, the right therapy modality and some incredible people who helped me get to the point where I was no longer just surviving…I was living.
I thought I had just about integrated/resolved/healed all my issues related to the rape. The trauma and pain had been composted into meaning and purpose. I had my personal narrative and I was doing my part to create a world free of violence.
That was until this new shift arrived, in the middle of jabbing and kicking my self-defense instructor.
Because, to be perfectly honest, I was never really interested in self-defense classes. A lot of people recommended it to me after I was raped. But I didn’t want to do it. I just didn’t have any desire or interest. But once I was gifted a class, I had no good excuse to keep avoiding it.
While kicking my instructor, screaming at him as he pushed his full body weight on me during a training exercise, I felt something flash bright.
A hot and precious joy. The heft of my muscles moving with pride. A desire to win. A love for myself that I didn’t realize I had lost.
This revelatory sensation caused my internal narrative to shift completely. My sense of self expanded, revealing the parts of my self-esteem I lost to trauma, and helping me sense a new future. Helping me craft a new personal narrative.
I’m still processing the thoughts and feelings. The victim blaming and codependency negative self talk is still there but it’s not as loud. I recognize them for what they are: noise. New thoughts take their place. Perhaps new identities and new beliefs too.
I’m finding myself move from traumatized rape survivor to self-actualizing human.
From blaming myself for the attack to feeling competent and powerful.
From holding a deep belief that I am worthless, to embracing a more powerful belief that I am worthy.
A new personal narrative is emerging. And I’m grateful it is here.