Narrative Strategy: When Communications Fail
a very self indulgent yapping post
Surely you’ve seen it. Or it’s happened to you. You’re having a conversation, or you think that’s what’s happening, and you think this is working, they understand what I’m saying but 5 minutes to 5 months later — nope. That conversation didn’t do anything. The other participant in the exchange was nodding they’re head or repeated exactly what you said, or they said “totally get it, let me do that.” and it seemed so straight forward.
But nope, this was a breakdown and no matter how smooth it seemed in that moment, the exchange of words didn’t translate into the actions that needed to happen and we’re all upset now.
Yup, we’ve all the been there. Surely as a species with language and vocal cords and ears and brains the process symbols we would have figured out how to make this work flawlessly all the time. We even have AI now! There’s no excuse!
Except, communications is not a siloed process that can be dropped into any situation and work immediately. It’s not an algorithm or a magic wand. We can’t rely on communications to transfer critical information and deliver essential results if we negate the foundations of our existence: relationships and meaning-making.
Ok, I’m sure you’re done listening to me kvetch about meaning-making, but beyond what we know to be true, let’s take a moment and examine relationships, because I think relationships are horribly neglected in the communications discourse.
Relationships are messy (duh)
Humans are a relational species. We don’t exist in a vacuum. We are a constantly ebb and flow of interactions with our environment and the actors within it. They influence our sense of self, our trajectory, our existence. And it can be equally beautiful and horrifying. Not all relationships are beneficial, but they sure as hell impact us. So when communications break down, I’m inclined to spend less time on the words exchanged and more time evaluating the relationships at play.
Relationships form from the first micro-second you encounter one another. We start forming judgements in our head, we interpret the subtle messages of what someone’s wearing, how they’re conducting themselves, they're energy and affect. We are processing these signals at the subconscious level, determining if someone is friend or foe. Without even realizing it, a story starts to form and we start to create meaning around an interaction before words are even exchanged.
There’s a relationship at play, even if we’re not aware. At the same time, the other participant is doing the same, synthesizing the data in front of them into a heuristic of some sort, giving themselves a mental short cut to see if you’re the type of person they should engage with or not. It’s a messy dance of judgement, meaning making and trying hard to actually be present. Honestly, I’m exhausted just thinking about it.
Communications are more than Language
Ok, where were we?
Communication breakdowns are not strictly a language problem. Language is essential, but we need to be cognizant of the relationships at play. When we start to map those relationships, do some deep listening and identify where meaning is being created, we start to grasp why the breakdown happened and a path forward.
Recently a client of mine was having a communications breakdown with a direct report. My client was concerned she was “saying the wrong thing” but I asked her to take a step back and look at the larger relationship at play. The direct report had shared about her own history of trauma at work, struggling to navigate a new work environment after years of hostility. The direct report had her own history of what work environments and relationships were like, and it was impacting her new role. The communication break downs between my client and her direct report were not about the wrong things being said. It was about relationships and experiences shaping the current interactions and exchanges of information. In order to create communications that work, we had to go beyond words and create new meaning in the relationships for these two women. With several facilitated sessions of deep listening and candid storytelling, my client and her direct report began to build a new relationship that made their communications easier and effective.
Communications fail when we ignore relationships
I want you to take communication breakdowns seriously, but not too literally. The words matter, yes. Clarity matters, yes. But when the message doesn’t move, when the action doesn’t happen, when everyone walks away with a different understanding of what just occurred, it’s worth asking: what relationship was this communication moving through? What history, trust, fear, power, context, or meaning was already in the room? Because communication doesn’t travel through empty space. It travels through relationships. And if we want our words to land, we have to pay attention to the ground they’re landing on.